Life After Death
by Hemlocke
Summary: Kamui contemplates life without Fuuma. What disturbing thoughts he has...


X: Life After Death

**X: Life After Death.**

Fuuma, I don't know why I bother to stay alive anymore. To live, to carry on without you, I really wonder why I try. My Wish didn't come true at all. I came back to Reality just for you, to bring you back. But looks like I failed, huh? You don't save the person you love by killing them, certainly not by running a sword through them. 

The rest of the Dragons, they told me they couldn't separate me from your body. Arashi told me I was clinging on to your body, refusing to let go. I was saying something about staying with you or some other babble. I can't remember much after that, I think I passed out. Did I? I don't know, all I recall is waking up in the Imonoyama mansion. Maybe Aoki carried me or Kusanagi. I'm not sure. 

All the Dragons were waiting at by my side, even the Dragons of Earth. They're pretty gracious losers, I dare say. But well, what's the use of winning, of saving Humanity if you're not alive, if you're not around with me? 

I was sooo tempted to run away from Reality again. So tempted. But I refrained. Why? Maybe it's because Subaru's not around anymore to bring me out. 

Subaru. HIS Wish came true.... 

You must be with him now, wherever the 2 of you are. You, Subaru, Seishirou, Kakyou, Sorata. So many gone. Where exactly do you go anyway? Heaven? Hell? Do you go to Hell for wanting to save the Earth? Is there such a place? 

Are you happy Fuuma? At whatever place you are now? What about Subaru, does Seishirou love him now? That would be very nice indeed; he wasn't happy in this life, he deserves to be happy in the next one. And if you see Sorata, tell him I think Arashi loves him after all. She looks so upset nowadays, especially at his funeral. I think she cried. But not much, not in front of us anyway. But you should have seen the way she was looking at Yuuto. I'll bet if she had her way she'd have run her sword through him. Too bad for her all the fighting's over already. 

I've never been to so many funerals at one time. One after another. I didn't even hold a funeral for Mother. They had Subaru's & Seishirou's on the same day. Strange, there were bodies to bury after all. Aren't the victims of Sakurazukamori supposed to fade into sakura or something like that? Maybe this was a special case. Although I don't think that Lady Sumeragi was happy Seishirou's grave was next to Subaru's. 

I never knew the Sumeragi clan was so big. I think all of them came down from Kyoto. It certainly looked like it. I saw the 14th head, Subaru's successor. She was about my age I think but well, she looks more... more ordinary than Subaru somehow. More stable, more balanced. Certainly less unhappy. 

I fainted at your funeral. It was the last one I had to attend.

They nearly had to arrange for another one. 

Mine.

They'd carelessly left the Shinken unchained. I slashed my wrists while the rest were occupied with your funeral. It was still as sharp as ever. Strange wasn't it, the way the blade of the other Shinken just tarnished & became dull when you died?

*********************

_Kamui woke up, shaking his head in an attempt to clear way the dizziness. Where was he? Then he remembered where he was previously; how he came to be in his room all by himself. _

_With consciousness came memory. _

_"Fuuma...." _

_His shoulders shook with silent sobs, vainly trying to block off the pain, anguish & guilt.*I KILLED him... killedhimkilledhimkilledhim...* _

_In the midst of his crying fit, his sight fell upon on the Shinken, propped neatly in the corner of the room. In a flash of perverse inspiration, Kamui knew exactly what to do._

_Holding out an unsteady hand, Kamui Called the sword to him. It flew across the room, obediently heeding his summons. Kamui held the sword, examining it carefully. _

_He ran his fingers along the sharp blade, finally pressing down hard enough to cut himself. Blood dripped from the small cut on his index finger. *Blood...Fuuma, you bled so much...*_

_ Kamui lay the Shinken in his lap carefully. Holding it down with one hand, he pressed his other hand against the blade, swiftly slashing the wrist. Blood spurted from the wound._

_Then quickly, before he lost any more strength, he slashed the other wrist. Kamui soon collapsed from the loss of blood, a faint smile on his face. _*See you soon, Fuuma...*_ _

******** 

_"Kamui, are you feeling better now? Do you want to come down now?" Karen peeked into Kamui's room. She was met with silence. _

_"Kamui?" Still no reply. _

_"Ehh, Kamui.."_

_Karen stepped inside, puzzled at the lack of response. _

_"KAMUI!!" _

_ Kamui lay in a pool of his own blood, looking for all the world as if he was sleeping peacefully, the Shinken cradled in his arms. _

_"Seiichiro!! Call an ambulance, quick!!" Karen screamed, holding the bloodied body of Kamui in her arms. She pressed her hands on Kamui's wrists, desperately trying to staunch the flow of blood. _

_Hearing Karen's frantic screams, the rest of the Dragons rushed up to Kamui's room. Kamui moaned, tried to push her away , even in his severely weakened state. _

_"Fuuma....." _

************************ 

Fuuma, why did they save me? I remember staring at my wrists, there was so much blood. You know, it actually felt good, the dull throbbing in my wrists as the blood flowed out. I was so fascinated, I never knew I had so much blood in me. The whole bed was soaked. So pretty, such a deep ruby red colour. 

The last thing I remember before passing out was hoping to see you & Kotori again. Then all 3 of us could play together again like we used to so long ago. You could give me piggy - back rides like you did. Remember the time I got bruised cushioning Kotori's fall? 

But I woke up in hospital instead. Karen & Aoki were sleeping by my bedside. Poor Seiichiro, I feel a little guilty now. Because of me, he couldn't go back to his family as planned. He was planning to return the minute the funerals were over. But he got stuck babysitting me instead. 

They had to restrain me then. I burst out crying & refused to be consoled. I was hysterical, in fact. They had to call in a doctor to give me a shot. I really didn't want to stay alive. Why should I? 

They're keeping me on a suicide watch now, did you know that, Fuuma? Actually, they left me alone at first. But that soon changed when a nurse told them I tried to rip out my IV drip when they were all out at lunch.

They're really afraid I'd try to do myself in again. They were pretty blatant about it actually. Heck, even Daisuke, who hates me, had to take a turn. That had got to be the first time we were in close proximity to each other & didn't end up trying to rip each other's throat out. I was too tired to try & I think he was trying to be civilised because he wanted to look good in front of Yuzuriha. 

Speaking of Yuzuriha, I think she's the only happy person among all of us now. As happy as any one of us could be in these circumstances. Kusanagi's been taking good care of her & they spend a lot of time together these days. 

Fuuma, why was that Dragon of Earth crying at your funeral? The one with white hair? Nataku was it? The sexless lifeform or something? I remember,it ... ..he? What word did you use when you were talking about Nataku? Anyway, Nataku was clutching this lady's hand, the one from the lab and weeping. 

He looked so sad, almost as sad as me. Maybe more, I didn't talk much with Nataku. On the other hand, I'm not talking much with anybody nowadays am I? I wonder what exactly made him cry at your funeral, he certainly wasn't interested in the other funerals. 

They're talking about sending me back to school, all us schoolkids anyway, to one school so that we can keep an eye on each other. That is, to make it easier for the rest of Dragons to spy on me. Nokoru's offered to enrol us in CLAMP Campus if we're interested. I think he's going to attempt bribing Satsuki with an unlimited budget for her computers or something, just to persuade her to enrol. But I don't think Arashi will agree. But I don't even know if Arashi goes to school in the first place. 

Frankly, I like the idea of going back to school. We'll all be in different classes with different schedules. It'll be harder for them to keep tabs on me, even if they try. I've been behaving myself these days, pretending to look happy sometimes. Times like these, I miss Sorata, some of his jokes were actually funny. I needn't fake looking happy. 

But relief would only be temporary even if Sorata was still around. At night, when I'm all alone in my bed, ( but not alone in my room, they forced Daisuke share a room with me now; I wonder what Aoki said to make him agree ) I'd remember you & Kotori. Whoever said time would heal wounds? It's certainly not healing mine. In fact, in deepens my pain, my loneliness. 

Anyway, I'll go to school if they want me to. After all, they're slowly letting me go off on my own, to trust me not to do anything rash. When they do let me go, we'll see. We'll see. They can keep watch on me for so long. And there are other ways to kill yourself. I'll just have to choose the right one. 

***END***

Author's note: I wrote this in 1998 therefore details are not current. Don't blame me, blame CLAMP for killing everybody off and ruining one of my best fics ^^ 


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